We need to talk…..

The sick feeling that had taken root in her stomach this morning, grew in intensity with every mile that took her closer to the apartment she shared with her husband. “We need to talk when you get home from work”, that was all he would say when he dropped her off at work that morning. She hadn’t been able to tolerate that, things had been a bit rough in their marriage and a bad feeling had come over her at his words. She worked double shifts, and wouldn’t be getting home until well after 3 in the morning. That was an unspeakably long time to have to wait and stew over what the upcoming conversation would entail. She would go crazy with wondering.

She had looked at him and spoken with a calm she most certainly hadn’t felt, “I will come home between shifts and we can talk then.” That hadn’t made him happy, he had tried to put her off, tried to say that it was something that should wait. She had stayed adamant, and they had finally agreed.

She almost regretted pushing the issue now, maybe she should have just left it alone until after her 18 hour shift, but she knew that wasn’t realistic. She really would drive herself mad, and more than likely be useless at work. Losing a job over something ridiculous, when they only had the one income, didn’t really appeal to her. So here she was, on her way to what felt like an ambush. She wasn’t a control freak, but didn’t lie to herself about her need for control of her own life. Her past had fostered that need, had caused her to fight for that control as though her life depended on it, and some days it felt like it did. She didn’t have control of this though, and she felt the loss of it keenly in her chest. It was making it hard for her to breath. Her breaths felt labored and shallow as she pulled into their complex. She wasn’t sure what was about to happen, and she was scared. She rounded the final corner and slowed her car, stopping a few feet from the parking spot that had been hers for over a year. She was beginning to wonder if she could handle this, maybe the not knowing was better, maybe she could just turn around and act like that mornings conversation hadn’t happened. While she was at it, maybe she could go join the circus. Get real, she told herself, you are stronger than this. Pushing down on the gas and closing the last bit of distance to her drive and then to the front door took so much effort she was beginning to see spots. When she reached for the doorknob she began to notice a loud annoying noise, she was actually surprised she could hear anything above the roaring in her ears. What was that? It sounded like someone was retching. Slowly, with her hand gripping the knob so tight her knuckles strained against her skin, she realized it was coming from her. She was hyperventilating. The stress was taking a toll, she needed to calm down. She consciously loosened  her grip on the doorknob, and made a concerted effort to slow her breathing. She tried not to think about what she would find on the other side of the door, she stopped thinking altogether, she forced herself to calm down. She didn’t even know what he wanted to talk about, why was she getting so worked up??

“He wants a divorce” The evil little whispered through her head.

“Oh, shut up” she said aloud, and turned the knob. Whatever was going to happen she would face it head on. She would not cower in the dark, she was strong, and she would be okay.

She opened the door and stepped inside to find her husband sitting on their ratty old couch watching tv, their dog Rain instantly springing up to meet her at the door and show her how much he had missed her. After a flurry of wet puppy kisses and snuggles, she walked to the kitchen and laid her stuff on the counter. She knew she didn’t have much time before she had to be back in so the “talk” needed to happen pretty fast. She could tell by his posture and the way he avoided her gaze that it would be up to her to start things off. It was almost funny to her that she had to be the one to bring it up when she didn’t even know what the talk was even about. She swallowed the small hysterical giggle that had threatened to break her composure, and looked him dead in the face. Whatever happened, whatever came next, she would handle it. She was strong, she would be okay……………..To Be Continued………………..


My blog hiatus

I had to take a step back from writing this blog, it sucked, but I needed the time to find my inner writer. I have a mommy blog, and I didn’t want this to turn into a copy of my other blog. My aim is for this blog to be a little more mature than just what chicka ate for dinner, lol. So I took a step back and did some searching, I’m not actually sure that the blog in my head is all the way done evolving but I figure, what the hell, I want to write. So if anyone actually reads this, I do apologize in advance if it is all over the place. Honestly that’s pretty close to how my brain works most times, I never know where my thought process will take me from one day to the next. That’s probably why I have yet to actually finish writing any of the 40 or so books I have started over the years. Sounds good one day, but on the reread it’s all crap.

I will try to keep this from being all crap, but I’m not making any promises. If you have anything to add to anything I post, please feel free. Constructive criticism is always welcome. I will more than likely be posting some of my writings from time to time. If you have any ideas, or as I said any criticism or even praise, please feel free to leave comments(especially the praise, lol) but please do it in a tactful manner. I am not perfect, neither is my writing, I know this. I love to write, and hope that by sharing my thoughts and my writing I can meet some new and interesting people.

Though I have had earlier posts, this is the first post in this new direction.  I am really looking forward to having a place that I can be a grown-up, even if it’s just chatting with my computer, and hopefully some of you. 😛 Hope you all had a safe and wonderfully intoxicated St Patty’s Day!!!!!

No power = No fun

You never really realize how much you really rely on computers, and phones, and just general technology until you lose power and can’t use said electronics. I mean I am sitting here with no power right now blogging from my phone. As a mother that is actually fairly disappointing. I remember as a kid going and playing outside, running through the fields we had no business being in, swimming, and just general reeking of havoc. I want that for my daughter. Maybe with a little less of the havoc but you get my point. I do not want her to be so plugged in to the tv and all of the other video games and such that she doesn’t enjoy the simple pleasures of being a kid.

So now that I have the obligational parent stuff out of the way…….lol. I am sitting here in the dark an I really miss the dang tv!! My phone is going to die and that is well and truly going to bite. My family and I are sitting here playing a game of Sorry (I hate this damn game) by cell phone light. I could so go for some CSI or Criminal Minds right now.

I will say goodnight before my cell completely runs out of juice. Keep your fingers crossed the power comes on soon. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!!!!

Kids and the internet

I was in the process of getting ready for work today when my sister-in-law came and and told me she had found a video I HAD to watch. Now judging by most of the other vids that we watch I was totally expecting to see something hilarious. Much to my surprise and disappointment the video was one of the saddest things I have ever seen. An 11-year old girl used her webcam to broadcast on youtube a video chock full of foul language and what I can only guess was drug induced idiocy. She spouted to all of the “haters” that they were jealous because she was perfect and so pretty. I will not name names as I truly believe this girl has very effectively just messed up her life without me adding to it. The initial video, that as I said included foul language, her talking about having intercourse with a 26-year old when she was 10(seriously!?!?!?), and how she would put her glock in her haters mouth and make brain slushies, was followed up with two more. The second two videos were so completely different from the first it was almost comical (almost). She was on crying about how all of the haters had ruined her life. Her video had gotten peoples attention, and though I think she wanted the attention, I don’t think she had any idea what it was actually going to entail. A hate group hacked her computer, peoples comments on her video posts were fairly brutal and sometimes violent. So the next two videos showed a very different picture, an 11-year old girl who bit off more than she could chew and was not emotionally equipped to deal with the fall-out. I am sure that her father screaming for everyone to leave her alone or he was going to call the police really didn’t help the situation.

So here is my question……when is a child old enough to handle the responsibility of having not only a computer in their room but also a webcam and unsupervised internet time?? I can tell you honestly that my daughter will under no circumstances have unrestricted, unsupervised access to the web at that age. Period. Not only are there more sicko’s out there than I think nyone can wrap their head around, but also children are children, they need their parents to help guide their moral compass. I mean seriously where was this girls parents, did they not even bother to check on her internet activity. That is a joke! While I think she was responsible for her actions, I also feel sorry for her, a child does not always have the common sense or the thought for how it will impact their future before they make a decision. That is how I feel about it. My daughter will not have a computer in her room for anything but homework and possibly games, but it will not be connected to the net and there will be no internet connection. We as parents have to make decisions that will keep not only our children but our children’s futures safe. I apologize for rambling, I just don’t understand how things like this are allowed to happen. I hope you all have a wonderful week!!!

Teething, Nursing, and the Robo-Spider

Baby Girl has been crabbers extraordinaire for the past week or so. I took her to the Ped on Friday and she confirmed what I was already thinking. More Teething…..poor baby. I have been checking her gums for the past 2 weeks, I just had a feeling. Yesterday she happened to open her mouth just right for me to see, and sure enough she had a lump on the lower right side, I found one on the left as well, I can only assume these are the cause of her fussiness. At first I panicked a bit because I didn’t understand why they were poking so far out, not up, out. They seem to be bothering her pretty badly, I feel terrible. She got her first two bottom teeth last month, and I always thought/heard that after the bottom came the top two and so on. I was wrong.

Nursing a teething child, especially one who is teething and already has teeth, is an exercise in patience to say the least. My poor baby, I hate that I can’t do much to take the pain away. I would take on this pain for her in a heartbeat for her if I could, but I have to tell you, the nipple-biting has got to stop! Lol It is ridiculously painful, she gummed on them once or twice, I think it was just an exploratory thing. I pulled back and told her no, not wanting her to get into the habit of biting. I knew then that her teeth weren’t far and I definitely wanted to nip that in the bud. Once her two little bottom teeth came in she again did the exploratory “what will happen if…” and I pulled back and told her no. Yeah not so much, she freaked. For the rest of that day she would be nursing, look up at me, and then bite down. It was like she was trying to get a point across. As bad as it hurt I had to bite down to keep from cracking up at what a little devil she just was. I gave her one more chance, she bit me, so I didn’t nurse her for the rest of the day. Before I start getting emails about starving my kid, she takes a bottle as well, so that’s what we did. After that we made it a week with no biting, and then of course she had to test the boundary again. It has happened a few more times, always with the same result, I stop nursing her and she stops biting for a while. Not a perfect solution but it was the best I could come up with.

On a completely unrelated note, I have got to tell you about this spider I saw the other day. Let me first say, I am absolutely terrified of spiders. Over the years I have managed to calm a little bit. I understand that they are not all poisonous(though that’s not the issue), and I have become much more tolerant of the skinny, baby looking ones. On the other hand, when one of the big, spindly, hairy ones comes crawling up I holler like I am on fire and take off. So here is my quandary, I have a kid and apparently the need to protect completely over-rides my self-preservation instincts. We were sitting on the front porch, planting flowers when the mack daddy, or momma I guess I should say, of spiders comes crawling out of the flower bed. I mean this sucker literally dug it’s way out of the dirt and started coming my way, I freaked. This thing was not only so hugimongous I had to make up a word to describe it, lol, but it was also carrying this mammoth egg sack on it’s back. GROSS!!!!!!! My daughter is playing next to me, and all I can think is if I don’t kill it, it’s going to get her. Yea, yea over-dramatic I know, phobia is definitely not a rational state of being. Anyway, I did something that I have never been capable of doing. I broke out of the paralyzing state of terror I was in, and beat the shit out of that thing with the little garden shovel I had. OH YEAH, I’m bad!! Once I felt sure that I had killed it, I grabbed Baby Girl and stood up to go inside, tell me I didn’t look down and see that spider flip me off before hobbling off into the grass. Lmao…no but seriously, the damn thing wasn’t dead. I still can’t imagine how it survived. So that was my excitement for the week. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!!!!

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